Number One.

I'm not entirely sure why I started a new blog. My old one was somewhat stagnant and annoying and I never really updated it. I feel like I need something new. Like a new confident to tell all my deepest, darkest secrets to. I won't do that here but I do need somewhere to constructively rant and be a dickhead because I don't feel right doing that to anyone in person.

Today is the sixth of February, 2010. I always have a hard time spelling February, which annoys me because every time I write it I know The way I spell it originally is wrong but I do it anyway. I'm on a bus Dublin-bound from Carrickmacross. The sun is setting, my phone is dead, I'm listening to Closet Weather by Fireworks and my battery is on 27%. I lived up here for nearly three years, which doesn't seem that long- but it felt it. I'm both glad and regretful of the time I lived up here. I met some amazing people and I lost part of me I didn't want to keep... but I feel like I'm missing a part of my adolescence even more than I profess. I don't really know why.

I'm listening to Jay Z now.

I'm currently in my second semester of Arts in UCD. I think I'm depressed or some shit. I have no energy for anything. The world seems angry all the time, but I hate being this way. I'm nervous and I panic a lot. I hate people as a species and crowds scare me more than anything else- besides myself. I'm also terrified of ending up alone and drowning. I almost drown once when I was younger, and my brother pulled me up from the water and dragged me on to the beach.

I have a brother and a sister. I live with Chris now, and we fight a lot but I like him. He's got a heart of Gold. I don't live with Shann anymore and she resents that. It sucks.

Policia by Sepultura is on now.

I really miss my boy.

The world is heavy today... but I'm trying to smile.

The title of this blog is a reference to a Charlie Bukowski quote from Notes of a Dirty Old Man. I bought it for James for Christmas- I'm ambivalent as to whether or not that gets a capital letter but fuck it, it's typed already.

I'm going to read some stuff now.

x.