Number Five.

I don't update this very much- but I reckon that's okay because most people don't read it. I've been having a harder time than I let on lately. Everything is really turning to shit now and I'm still the one who has to grin and bare it.

My da got his two weeks notice on Friday. I think he might be moving to Ibiza to work- we have a good few friends over there who'll try get him some work. It means I probably won't see him until September after he leaves, though. It's absolutely breaking both my parents hearts but there is nothing else we can do, is there? I mean, we're thousands in debt and broke as anything as it is... losing my da's wage will just about cripple us.
It's getting so much harder to get up out of bed, my head hurts constantly, I only eat because people tell me to, I can't function and nothing makes sense. I feel like this time I might lose my mind. Thoughts of giving up are in absolute abundance. Shann is trying really hard but she's losing her social life and she finds that fucking hard. I get the burdens of the three of them on my shoulders as well as what I'm feeling at the moment.

God, if I had any energy I'd scream and cry and feel hopeless in myself... I don't care anymore though. Maybe I should give up, I mean.. I'm not helping anyone, am I?

My dad is sick, unemployed and worried that if he leaves it would kill his father and we'd lose the house.
My mam is trying to decide whether or not it would be better for her to go to Ibiza, plus she's trying to juggle having no money and the financial shitness of raising a sixteen year old.
My sister just does not understand that my parents aren't being stingy.... the money literally is not there.

That's been kind of bugging me about my ma lately. Every time she's out of the house, she ends up buying stuff- regardless of how little it costs, it's money we can't afford. I mean, I remember during the summer, when stuff was starting to get bad... she gave me money for something I had to get... there was one euro left over and I bought a necklace from some shop that was closing down. She grabbed me by the necklace and told me that that was a loaf of bread around my neck. I know she's trying to cope and a tight belt doesn't even describe the state of this house at the moment but it pisses me off.

I'm going to talk to someone on Tuesday. I'm fucking terrified.